Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Food fights.

My kids don't eat.

They never have.

AJ exists on chocolate, cheese, yogurt tubes, and jam sandwiches (on white bread ONLY, don't even TRY to get that whole-wheat shit past him, you will not win).  Mackenzie's a little better than that, but not much.  Both kids would rather starve to death than eat a vegetable, and fruit is limited to sliced apples, and if I really fight it, half a banana.  How on earth they've made it this far without getting scurvy is truly shocking.  And to all of you not-yet-mommas out there who say things like "oh, when I have children, they will eat what I give them, I will not make two meals, they will eat their vegetables, blah blah blah..." I have THIS to say to you:  No, they will NOT eat what you give them.  Yes, you WILL make two meals.  And no, they WON'T eat their vegetables, at least not without a bit of a fight.  But, hey - good luck with your plan.  Let me know how it works out for you.

I've been making two meals for dinner for, oh, probably five years now.  Regular dinner for Shawn and me; cheese, sandwiches, yogurt, or cereal for the darlings.  It's just the way it is.  And since Shawn and I love eating more than most people I know, I feel quite certain that both kids will grow out of this, so it really isn't something I could be bothered to fight them on at this point.  They'll come around.  How many days (years?) in a row can a kid eat a jam sandwich, before he gets bored and realizes all the deliciousness out there that he's been missing out on?

So, all this in mind, I don't pack much in their school lunches.  Every single day, half of it (or more) ends up coming home, and as long as I'm not in one of my "oh-my-God-I-am-effing-starving-is-that-food-OMG-give-it-to-me-RIGHT-NOW" moods, it goes in the garbage.  I recently set the rule that whatever they don't eat at school, they have to eat when they get home - and since then, a few more apple slices have disappeared, but I'd bet my last buck they've figured out to toss them in the garbage and pretend they ate them.

Yesterday, Mackenzie informed me that she ate her entire lunch at recess.  "I was THAT hungry, mom!"  So I asked her what she ate for lunch.  She replies, "well, I got to go into Mrs. S's gluten-free cupboard to pick something to eat, since I HAD NOTHING LEFT."

Wow.  Well.  That's embarrassing.  Mrs. S, I SWEAR I feed my kids!!  I do!!

Fast forward a couple of hours, when the kids need to go to my mom's so I can run down to the radio station to get a little work done.  When Shawn gets there to pick them up, Mackenzie, all big blue innocent eyes and sweet little curls, turns to the biggest sucker in the room (that would be Grandma) and says, "Oh, Grandma, please, PLEASE can I stay for dinner?  I just can't handle another night of cereal!"

Really, kid?  REALLY?

Shawn took them home.  And no, he didn't give them cereal.

They had sandwiches.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Ah, kids.

My kids are pretty hilarious.  I think most kids are.  Some of the shit that comes out of their mouths just kills me.  If you are my Facebook friend, you may have noticed some of the things I've posted that they've said - in fact, I think a future posting here will be some of their greatest hits!

Here's the latest:

Shawn took the kids swimming yesterday so that I could have a couple hours alone (to clean the house, mind you, but whatevs, at least I was alone and could clean in peace without stopping every six minutes to get someone a snack, have a game of Uno, snap on someone's bike helmet, break up a fight, put Barbie's skanky little hot-pants on her ridiculously sticky legs, and all the other crap I have to deal with whenever I try and clean when they are home.)

AJ: "I am going to stay in the pool for 400 hours."

Shawn: "Well, 400 hours in a pool would make you pretty wet and soggy."

Mackenzie: "Like mom's boobs."

Shawn: "......."

Mackenzie: "You know.  If she doesn't wear a bra, her boobs get all soggy."

Friday, March 23, 2012


Since we got back from our holiday in Arizona at the end of January, I have been on the biggest eating binge of my entire life. It started with this giant bag of popcorn we bought at Costco in Bellingham on the way home. It was this magical concoction of cheese, chocolate, and caramel popcorn, ALL MIXED IN THE SAME BAG. Sounds gross, right? Well, it wasn't. It was freakin' delicious. And I ate the entire bag (Costco-sized, remember) in about two days. After that, it was like, well what the hell - might as well keep going! If it's in my sight and edible, it's gone. Kids half-eaten leftover sandwiches from their lunch kits? Yum. A third trip to McDonald's in a week? Sure! Extra butter on my popcorn at the movies? OK! Candy on sale at Walmart? BRING IT ON!! I've really not thought for a moment about how much I've been eating.

Until Monday.

Monday, I hopped on the scale. The number I saw nearly gave me a heart attack.

Some would say it is not a huge number. But to me, it's massive.

And so, the diet begins. I've been really good since Monday. So good. I downloaded an app to my phone, myfitnesspal, and it tracks my calories and daily weigh-ins and pounds lost and gives me shit if I go over my calorie limit for the day. I skipped the starchy wraps with dinner last night and just had (ugh) a salad. I am choking down the 'recommended' 8 glasses of water every day. I am even eating VEGETABLES. This momma does NOT eat vegetables. But I'm doing it. All in the name of getting to that magic number on the scale.

7 more pounds to go.

My outlet.

Hey. Guess what?

I have a brain.

I KNOW, RIGHT!? Shocked the shit out of me, too.

After a lot of years as a stay-at-home mom with a few different jobs here and there (babysitting, working at a radio station, etc), I decided to take a writing course at our local university (Creative Non-Fiction, to be exact.) And after, oh, I don't know...13 years being out of school??...needless to say, it was a bit of a shock. I haven't taken a test or written an essay in a whole lot of years. I have to sit there for the three hour duration of the class - which I do enjoy, but let's face it, as the mother of a 5 and 7 year old, I don't get to sit in the same place for three hours straight very often. I am being graded on the class. I have to pay attention and take notes and study and write and create projects. Plus, I'm a total dinosaur amongst a group of 20-year-old, 3rd year university students. So yeah. "Shock to the system" doesn't begin to describe it.

But it forced me to write.

And I realized how much I love writing.

And I am doing really well in the class.

And I know damn well that when the class ends in a few weeks, the writing will stop.

Which will be unfortunate, because as mentioned, I love to write. So, I started this blog. I do hope you visit often. It'll be a lot of ramblings about my life - my kids, my husband, my little world. A lot of observation of the world around me. A lot of topics I'm sure you'll relate to. Some you won't. I am not perfect. I swear a lot. I do and say stupid things. You will hear about mistakes I make and crazy thoughts I have. I hope you'll laugh.

(If not with me, then at least at me. I'm OK with that too.)