Tuesday, May 29, 2012

50 Shades of OH MY GOD!!

So, unless you've been living under a rock, you know that all the latest rage in books these days, is the 50 Shades series by E.L. James.

These books scare the living shit out of me.

Now, I haven't read them.  And I'm pretty sure I'm not going to.  The premise of the book is a young virgin, Ana, who falls in love with Christian, a powerful billionaire (OK, I do love a billionaire) with some wacky sexual perversions and bad issues resulting from his childhood (but I do NOT love a damaged freak).  Christian and Ana spend much of this series, from what I understand, doing the nasty - and not exactly your run-of-the-mill, day-to-day nasty, either.  We're talking bondage, domination, sadism, masochism, and the like.  The series falls under the genre "erotic fiction".  Critics call it "Mommy Porn".  I call it, "Holy SHIT, they do WHAT in this book!??"

The fact is, I AM A TOTAL PRUDE.  I made the mistake of looking the book up on Wikipedia, just to kind of see what it was about, and I nearly passed out just reading the description.  I was like, WTF is BDSM??  This book is EROTIC FICTION?  Christian Grey has a 'Red Room of Pain??'  What in the bloody hell is THAT?! That sounds terrifying!!  I literally couldn't handle it.  My friend D was talking about the series at a gathering a couple weeks ago, and when I told her I felt I was too prudish to enjoy it, she said, "oh, you could do it, it's really not so bad."  Three days later, in the parking lot at school, she came running at me like a freaking rocket yelling something along the lines of "OH MY GOD, I AM FURTHER INTO IT NOW, IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE SMUT THEN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T READ IT, YOU WILL TOTALLY DIE!!!!!"

My friend M, on the other hand, thinks I am totally missing out by not indulging in this series.  After admitting to her that I'm pretty sure I can't handle the heat, she suggested a few tamer (yet still porn-ish) titles by a different author, then told me to call her after I finished my "required reading" and she'd let me know if I was ready to take on 50 Shades.

I'm about halfway through my first assignment.  So far, I can handle it.  It's kinda like a Harlequin on steroids.

But I still don't think I'll ever be able to squirm my way through 50 Shades!

Have YOU read it (you dirty girl)?!  What did you think??

Friday, May 25, 2012

The "I-might-be-slightly-tipsy" 5 Things Friday!

Well.  It's Five Things Friday.  I am fully aware that I've missed the last two Fridays.  But WHATEVER.  This is my blog, I can do whatever I want.

(I've just gotten home from a fundraising dinner we went to for our local Junior B Lacrosse team.  We had a good time, and I had a few frosty beverages.  So if this post makes no sense, please forgive me, just go ahead and blame the beer.)

Sister Wives has returned to TLC for a third season.  There are no words to describe how much I love this show.  If you aren't aware, the show revolves around the Brown family, from Las Vegas, which consists of Kody, his four wives Meri, Janelle, Christine, and Robyn, and their shitload of kids (like 19, I think???)  This show fascinates me on a whole bunch of different levels.  I am not a religious person, and admittedly, I find religion beyond fascinating (I've always said that if I were smarter, I would have majored in Religious Studies.  You know, if I went to University.  And, if that is even a thing.  I don't actually know if it is.  But it should be.  So smart people could study it.  Right??)

OK.  Moving on.  So the main reason this family chooses to live a polygamous lifestyle, from what I understand, is that they believe they will be better accepted into heaven because of it.  And you know what?  Good on 'em.  If that's what you believe, and you're dealing with nothing but consenting, mentally-sound adults, then fly at it.  How you live your life, and for what reasons, is not my business so long as children are not involved in adult situations, and so long as everyone involved is happy with and agrees with the situation.  Before you get all up in my shit, yes, I do realize polygamy is illegal, and of course I do understand the reasons why, but I also think in this day and age, there are so many different types of families out there that I find it hard to believe that one way is any better than any other.  Does that make sense?  Happy adults typically means happy kids, regardless of what the family looks like.

And here's the thing:  every time I watch the show, I can't help but think - man - this shit is BRILLIANT!  So, here are five reasons why I sometimes think having sister wives is a freaking fantastic idea:

1) Kids.  Whenever I need a break from my kids (like today, for example, when my son smacked me super-hard, square in the face, with a hard and spikey rubber ball), I would just be like "Hey, Sister Wife.  Come take these little darlings off my hands for a few hours before I lose my goddamn mind."

2) Sex.  Sometimes, I don't want to.  Sometimes, it would be nice to just lay there and read my book with a face full of zit cream and my dirty old pajamas that neither fit,  nor match.  Doing this would be super easy, and guilt-free, when it was my Sister Wife's turn for a sleepover!

3) Complaining.  When my husband did something really stupid, like leave the garage door wide open and the house unlocked when NOBODY WAS HOME (true story, it happened, don't get me started, he is totally lucky I didn't wind up murdered and left in a bathtub), I could complain to my Sister Wife.  She'd understand; you know, because he did the same thing to her last week.

4) Constant girlfriend companions.  OK, as long as I could get past the fact that we're all sleeping with the same dude, I'd always have a shopping partner, someone to do lunch with, have a beer with, gossip with, etc...all built right in!!!

5) Getting old.  19 kids, and SOMEONE is bound to take care of me when I'm 100!  Right?  Out of the 19, at least a few of them will be useful in my old age!

I hope this doesn't sound like a Craigslist ad for a Sister Wife.  I totally don't actually want one.  But sometimes...watching this show...your mind just GOES THERE!

Next episode - Sunday night!

Monday, May 21, 2012

The not-so-great outdoors.

Holy shit, I haven't blogged for two weeks.

Did you miss me?!

So it's the end of the May Long Weekend.  Yes, it needs to be Capitalized.  This weekend is a big ol' deal to a whole lot of peeps.  It's kinda like the official start of summer.  People do all sorts of summery things like start their gardens, and get their swimming pools up and running, and have BBQ parties, and in our case, make their husbands do three days worth of slave labor, busting out a giant planter box and turning it into a patio instead, which equals 6 trips to Home Depot and 4 trips to the dump and 15 changes-of-plans and 3 marital fights and the consumption half a Costco-sized bottle of Advil and a case of beer.

You know what else people do over the May Long Weekend?

They camp.

I have very fond memories of camping with my family when I was little, at all sorts of places throughout the Okanagan, and Washington state, and around Kamloops.  And I have fond memories of camping in high school, (though by "camping" I mean illegally stuffing 7 people into a 1987 Ford Escort, pitching a tent in some illegal spot between here and the Shuswap, lighting an illegal campfire in the same area, then illegally drinking pink lemonade vodka stingers til I barf in the creek and pass out.  So maybe the term "memory" is a little generous, you know, on account of the fact that I really don't remember much.)

Anyway, we've taken our kids camping a couple of times, and since we only have a tent, two nights is my max.  The kids love everything about it, while I just love drinking beer, walking around in my pajamas, eating my weight in potato chips, and swimming in lakes, so I can usually sort of tolerate it, at least for a small amount of time.

But here's my dirty little secret:

I think camping sucks.

It's dirty.  There are bugs.  It's super uncomfortable, and I'm always SO cold.  It takes forever to get us organized enough to actually get out of the house.  We always get stuck at the site next to the obnoxious idiots, you know who they are, every campsite has them.  I am convinced I'm going to get murdered and left in a ditch while en route to the bathroom when it's dark. Also, there are bugs.  And bats.  And spiders.  And ants.  And mosquitoes.  And BUGS.

Every May Long Weekend, as we watch our neighbors spend 5 hours getting ready to leave for camping, and 5 hours unloading when they get home, our kids ask if we can please please PLEASE go camping this summer.  And every time, I have to say, "no, kids, we can't, because Mommy is a giant asshole who would rather poke her own eyes out than spend one long, uncomfortable night in a tent, worrying about what type of creature is crawling across us as we sleep and whether or not the guy in the campsite next to us is the same one who just escaped from prison, and even though camping is the ONLY thing you REALLY want to do this summer, and you love it SO much, and DESPERATELY wish you could go, I'm sorry, forget it, it's just not going to happen."

Just another reason why I'm in the running for Mother of the Year.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Not your average weekend.

I had to do something over the weekend that I really, truly thought I'd never have to do again.

Yesterday, I went in to work in the morning.  Shawn and the kids went to swimming lessons.  Kenz and I hung out while Shawn took AJ to see a matinee of The Avengers.  We did some housework, and some yard work, Mackenzie hung out with the girl next door, I baked a little...it was your typical Saturday at the Killam's.

Except THIS was looming over our heads.

It has been for several days now.

Finally, at about 4:00 in the afternoon, I thought I was going to explode, like I literally couldn't take it anymore.  I came rushing out of the house, in a kind of weird panicky state, looking like a huge mess on account of the housework and baking.  Shawn was busy mowing and leaf-hoggin' (no, of course that's not a word.  But it totally should be.)

Me: "I'm running down to Rexall."

Shawn (drops the Leaf Hog): "Oh.  OK.  Do you think you should?"

Me: "Do YOU think I should?"

Shawn: "Well I haven't thought about much else for the past few days."

Me: "Me neither.  I'm going."

Shawn:  "OK.  Yes.  Go."

Now, I love Rexall.  It's like three minutes from my house, and it's huge and bright and brand new, and I love wandering through their makeup section, and their milk is super cheap, way cheaper than Costco.  And, there's hardly ever anyone in there.  But yesterday?  Everyone in town was there.  Because OF COURSE they were.  OF COURSE the store is FILLED with people when I need to stand at the edge of the aisles and look for the words "Family Planning."

Yep.  Family F***ING planning.

And, of COURSE there are three people in line in front of me, and three behind me, as I stand there with my little white and blue box, giant CLEARBLUE EASY letters visible all the way to the next goddamn town, really, people, maybe manufacturers of these bloody things could try and make the box just a tad more discreet?!?  The woman in front of me is staring at the box, back to me, back to the box.  The cashier is like, "would you like anything else with that?"  Why, yes, little cashier lady, I sure would like a bottle of whiskey and a friggin' tranquilizer to get me through what I have to go home and do, but NEVER MIND THANKS I'M GOOD JUST RING UP MY GODDAMN PURCHASE AND YES I DO WANT A FRICKIN' BAG, THANK YOU VERY BLOODY MUCH!!!

Got home in one piece (barely).

Shawn's like, "DO IT!  DO IT!"

I'm like, dude, I don't even have to go pee yet.

He's like, "DRINK SOME WATER!!!!"

So I did.  And then he decided it was a good time to go to the yard waste recycling place.

Really, dear?  Excellent timing.

When he gets home, he's outside shocking the hot tub.  I have already taken the test, but he doesn't know it yet.  I knock on the sliding door that leads out to our deck.  He looks up.  I give a huge smile and two thumbs up.

He points to his stomach, eyes wide and terrified, mouths the words "You ARE?!?!?!"

I start quickly shaking my head. "NO!  No, no, no!!"

Then he does this kind of weird fall-down, head-between-his-knees thing, and I'm pretty sure he almost had a heart attack.

And first thing Monday morning, we'll be having a chat with the first available Snippy doctor.  Neither of us is interested in going through this again.

Unless it was a false negative...??

Friday, May 4, 2012

It's 5 Things Friday!

This is a serious post.  Seriously.

There is a developer wishing to build a 64-unit multi-family housing complex in our neighborhood, right around the corner from our house, and right-smack-next-to my kids' school.  I am so against this idea for so many reasons, but I took five from the letter I'm sending to the City and to the Developer, for today's post...

1.       Traffic.
·         Van Horne Drive is a very busy street to begin with.  Try driving through the area between 8am and 9am; noon until 1pm; and again from 2pm until 3pm (or later) on any given school day.  Aberdeen Elementary is not only a community school, but it is also a school of choice (Montessori) which means people from all over the city come to this school, and they have no choice but to drive to get there.  The school principal spends each morning and afternoon standing on the edge of the school property, trying to ensure that traffic is moving properly and that people are not illegally parked.  City bylaws officials have also been out on many occasions to police the traffic issues that are present on this street on a daily basis.  Additionally, to only have one way in and out, from a development of 64 units, is absolutely inadequate.  We would like the City to explain how they plan on policing this already high-traffic area on a regular basis, to ensure the least amount of inconvenience and the maximum amount of safety of neighborhood residents and nearby students and their families.

2.       Parking.
·         One only needs to take a quick trip down Dunrobin Drive in upper Aberdeen, during any time of the day or night, to see the effects that multi-family units have on the street – it is constantly lined, almost bumper-to-bumper, with parked cars.  It is unsafe for pedestrians and an inconvenience for homeowners.  Adequate parking, in our opinion, is NOT being provided by the developer of 2171 Van Horne Drive, which will mean that Van Horne Drive will likely be filled with extra vehicles (both owners and visitors) that do not have room to park near their units.  This is unsightly, a danger to the many children who attend the school and utilize its playground and fields, and an inconvenience to community groups who use the school on a regular basis, as well as to parents who have no choice but to drive their children to and from school every day.  We would like to see solid proof that there will be enough parking spaces within the development for a minimum of 2 cars per unit, as well as a minimum of 64 additional spaces for visitors and recreational vehicles.  We would also like the City to explain how they plan on enforcing no-parking areas on Van Horne drive, and exactly what they plan to do about it when congestion becomes out of control.

3.       Aberdeen Elementary School.
·         As mentioned, it is not only a community school, but also a school of choice, as Aberdeen Elementary houses the only Montessori program for Grades K-6 in Kamloops.  The school is not too far away from being at full capacity.  64 extra units could very easily mean a significant number of children needing a school to attend.  The defense given by the developer during January’s open house, that these units would not be marketed to families, is absolutely ludicrous.  With housing prices what they are, I am sure there are young families who would be interested in purchasing a more affordable townhome, and their catchment school at some point could end up overflowing.  In addition to being an Elementary school, Aberdeen Elementary is home to a Montessori preschool program and the Rainbow Preschool program, both of which have children attending several days a week at varying times of day; and the community room at the school is used on a regular basis after hours by several different community groups.

4.       Rentals, and our property values.
·         We are not interested in having what could easily turn out to be 64 rental units right next to our kids’ school, and in a neighborhood that, frankly, we paid a premium to live in based on the price of our home.  The defense from the developer at January’s open house was that these units would be owner-occupied, which is a ridiculous statement.  Unless the developer plans on forever running the Stratas themselves, and ensures that the rules are in place before buyers purchase the units to avoid grandfathering, they certainly cannot promise that and therefore it is irresponsible for such a statement to have been made in the first place.

5.       Groundwater.
·         I am not a scientist, and I don’t claim this as my area of expertise by any means.  However, I have been a resident of Aberdeen for nearly 30 years, beginning when I was in Kindergarten and now with a family of my own.  I am very aware of the groundwater issues that have plagued this neighborhood for many years, and building on this site, which borders on several existing streets, could present problems for nearby homeowners.  We would like to know how the city will compensate those who are put out by the issues that will surely happen at some point..