(No) Iron Woman.

My face has been a totally angry raging crack whore since the Spring.  It's super annoying.  I'm almost 34 years old, for God's sake, and this shit has been breaking out like I'm 14, seriously, I feel like if it weren't for the wrinkles and the minivan and the giant mom-purse filled with goldfish crackers and McDonalds toys, I'd be getting carded at the liquor store because of it.

It wasn't clearing up no matter what I did, so when I finally couldn't stand it anymore, I headed over to my doctor to find out what the hell is going on.  He sent me for some blood work, and it turns out I am "severely anemic."

Hmmmm.  Would it be weird to admit that I kind of like having a disease???  Yeah, I know it's not a real disease, and I had absolutely no symptoms besides the acne to indicate that anything was out of whack, but really, minor details.  I've never had anything wrong with me that had a 'name' before.  So then I was like, "oh Shawn, I really need you to rub my back, I'm severely anemic, you know."  Or, "I know I totally cut that guy off in traffic, but it's not my fault, it's the anemia taking over."  Or, "what do you mean you're going golfing today!?  HOW could you leave your poor, SEVERELY ANEMIC wife behind for FIVE WHOLE HOURS?!?!?!"  Or, "excuse me, ma'am, I know this has been a very long lineup, but I'm severely anemic, I'd really appreciate it if you'd let me go the bathroom ahead of you??"

I'll let you imagine how long this routine lasted.

Yeah.  Like 20 minutes.  Turns out people don't have a lot of sympathy for those of us who are severely anemic.

Assholes.

Anyway, the doctor was like, "listen lady, if you don't get some iron into your system lickety-split, you're going to need shots in your ass twice a month to get your levels up."  And you may remember how I feel about THAT type of thing, so I marched myself to a drugstore and hooked me up with some daily multi-vitamins, because if you think for one second that I am ever going to eat liver and spinach, you are off your goddamn rocker.  THIS is the part where I remind you how hard my diet sucks.  I mean, I love it, but really, it's hardly what one would call "balanced".  Not many people can eat the shit I eat and still be normal functioning human beings.  I actually secretly pride myself on my cast-iron stomach.  I can eat anything, and I do not get sick.  Fat, maybe, but never sick.

So, imagine my surprise when I took one of those innocent-looking multi-vitamins, and immediately proceeded to hightail it to the bathroom and violently retch my brains out.

It was like my body was like, WHAT THE F IS THIS SHIT?!  WHY ARE YOU FEEDING ME VITAMINS!?  WE REJECT HEALTHY AROUND HERE!!  NOW GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE TOILET, GO EAT SOME GODDAMN POP TARTS AND CHEESE-FROM-A-CAN, AND WASH IT ALL DOWN WITH A BEER!!!!!

But, visions of needles in my ass and trying to choke down a slab of liver were still dancing in my head, so I dusted myself off and powered through.  I continued to take them, and I think I'm finally beating the vitamins.  I can take them without feeling queasy now.

I do hope the acne decides to piss off as a result.

But I still want to keep my disease!